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I will never forget the year I turned 10 years old.  That awkward first kiss with Ginny behind the School on the rock pile.  We were rushing things, I had only checked the yes box the day before.  I’m still unsure if it was her braces or the leeks that I had just consumed-but something just wasn’t right.  It would be another 6 years before I would kiss again.

I was an child with unusual phobias, probably not unlike other kids my age, but we never talked of such things.  Which is why 33 years later,  me and my mates have never spoken of the Phantom Pooper.  Rumour was someone snuck in at recess and pooped on Mr. Lemon’s rug.  Determined to find the stinker, the principle personally inspected the drawers of every boy looking for the skid marks that would bring this investigation to a screeching halt.  Don’t think the girls were off the hook, they were getting an inspection all their own.  That is the one thing I respect about the faculty looking back, they were non partisan poop inspectors.  It really was harmless, just a quick peek down the fault line looking for Klingons.  But it really did leave me feeling a little uncomfortable.  I mean  they seemed to be making such a big deal out of it.  Maybe the perpetrator had good reason for pooping on Mr. Lemon’s rug.  Maybe the Phantom Pooper was perpetually constipated because he was Gluten Intolerant and wouldn’t find out for another 33 years.  Maybe he also suffered from busy boy syndrome that at times would cause him to pinch out a few raisons.  What if this troubled young man had choked out a carrot or two,  and after shaking them down his pant leg decided that the best course of action would be to step on the Ferrero Roche and burry the evidence in the rug.  All I am saying is there could have been one of many legitimate reasons as to why someone would resort to such a dastardly deed.  Who are we to judge, especially all these years later.  My only hope is that this poor tormented individual will find a way to tell his story without judgement, and finally get it off his chest and down his pant leg.

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